| Book Contents |
|
| My Fathers Scar |
| Michael Cart |
| Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers |
| 204 pages |
| Copyright 1996 |
| MCMLS Call No.YA F – Car |
| Library
Catalog Summary: As he enters into his first relationship as a gay man,
a college freshman recalls the aching loneliness of life with his
alcoholic physically abusive father in a community prejudiced against
homosexuals. |
|
| Library Catalog Subjects: |
| Homosexuality– Fiction |
| Alcoholism – Fiction |
| Child Abuse - fiction |
| Prejudices - Fiction |
|
| - Book is about a homosexual college freshman [A]. Book skips back and forth between his current college life and the past |
| - page 1: “..professor’s teaching assistant.. winks at me.. deliberately, complicitously. ..hot blush rush[ed] over my face.” |
| -“..bastard..” |
| -
His father is a drunk: “..drunk as usual and dangerous. I can smell the
beer on his breath.. [he] swears at a car that passes us.. if rage were
a color, it would be the same red as his face.. might have a heart
attack.. too many beers since his glory days.. beers later when he
finally does have a heart attack and die..” |
| -“..old
man orders me... Hit him... Beat the s**t out of him.. Shit [BC, the
other boy] sneers.. Pig.. Pig, pig.. eat your slops, piggy.. I swing
wildly at him.. catching his left ear.. s**t he says.. he decks me..
Get up they both command.. crawl to my father.. My drunk, furious..
father.. struggle shakily to my feet. And he kicks me. Right in the
butt, as if I’m not a human being but a football. ..will have scars on
my palms even after I grow up.. souvenirs of my magic moment with my
father and BC.. Coward [his father says].. My father has kicked me.. as
if I’m a stray dog.. I can whip your old man, he yells after BC... the
next day I begin to run. The first day I run until I puke and then,
wiping my mouth on my T-shirt I run some more. I run every day after
that, through pain and rain.. can never outrun the memories..” |
| -“Oh, s**t..” |
| -“ba**ard..” |
| -“I
feel sorry for kids who [don’t have their own dorm room] have to room
with strangers - loudmouth guys.. who brag about all the girls they
boink and get mad when you don’t believe them.” |
| -“Oh, s**t.” |
| -“S**t..” |
| -
Bullies [BC and E’s brother] dump Coke and popcorn on him from balcony
in movie theater; “..was only myself I hated - for being the kind of
kid other boys tortured.. for being so weak I let them get away with
it... s**t.. I’ll beat the s**t out of you.” The bullies make him buy
them more Coke and popcorn. |
| -“Geezus! What the h*ll is she doing?” |
| -“..I
got so mad when S made his crack about me having a crush on professor
H. It scared me that feelings I wasn’t aware of might be so obvious to
someone else.” |
| -“..I wonder why I’m so GD depressed.” |
| -“..family
car.. looked like it had been driven in a demolition derby. In a sense
I guess it had, since my father, the well known drunk, was usually
behind the wheel... old man was just a bad memory of the night before
when he had come home drunk as usual and thrown up on the.. rug..
[mother says] I just washed that rug.. excuse me to hell, the old man
muttered... I feel like s**t.” |
| -“Jesus..” |
| -“..old man was throwing up on the rug outside my room.” |
| -“ ..S**T!.. Aw, s**t..” |
| -“..he
walked that way when he was already half-drunk... GD you, he shouted..
Who the hell do you think you are?... he slapped me. Hard. I saw stars
and my knees buckled. S**t, he fumed.. see what you made me do?” |
| -“S**t,
I [told E].. I wish he were dead... My f**king father. ..Did you know
that my father killed himself? [E asked me].. for a long time I guess I
thought it was my fault.. I’ve never told anybody this.. here’s the
thing; My dad used to, well.. play with me.. Sexually... [A] says my
old man hits me.. E.. looked at me... Did you want him to?... to slap
you? Of course not, I said... [E said] Well, I did. want my dad to.
To.. play with me.. all I could think of was my old man doing something
like that to me, and I felt like I was going to throw up. [E says] I
know you think that’s sick.. But I couldn’t help it. I don’t know why I
wanted him to. ..maybe it was the only way I could be sure he loved me.
Or needed me.” |
| -
Church pastor lectures on homosexuality: “..these sodomites, these
homosexuals, will burn.. in the flames of eternal hell. For God hates
homosexuals and their unspeakably evil perversions.. [E says] That is
not true. ..pastor.. furious.. How dare you interrupt God? He is
talking through me.. I don’t think God is talking through you [E
says].. I don’t believe.. that He [hates homosexuals].. I think you do
though.. that’s why your telling so many lies about them. ..How can you
say I’m telling lies?.. How can a boy your age know anything about such
a terrible perversion?... I know it [E says] because I’m a homosexual.”
|
| -“When
I heard E say I’m a homosexual.. final piece had fallen into place in
.. puzzle.. E.. was gay.. thought about the jokes I had heard.. at
school.. calling them faggots and lisping and making their wrists
limp.. thought about E and how good.. kind.. smart.. brave.. all the
other stuff was bulls**t.” |
| -“..drifted
to sleep. Only to be awakened by [his mom and dad coming in to his
room]... need to talk to you.. Has he [E] tried any funny stuff with
you? [dad asks] ..if he has, I’ll kill the faggot son of a b**ch.”..
needs to be locked up, the sick bastard.. If he comes sniffing around,
you tell me.. I’ll rip his nuts off. That’s what should be done to all
those fruits.. Those fruits try to recruit kids.. finally went back to
sleep... my first wet dream in months. And it was about E.” |
| -“..
the word ‘faggot’ all over E’s locker.. kids laughed.. made kissing
noises or worse.. pointed at their crotches and said.. come and get
it.. started teasing [his brother], asking him if it ran in the
family.. if.. he and E ‘did it’ together... kissed him on the cheek..
saying.. Ooops.. hope I didn’t make E jealous. F**k you! [E’s brother
shouted] And F**k you, too! he screamed at E. You f**kin’ faggot,
you’ve ruined my f**kin’ life.. he started to cry, making horrible
angry, sobbing sounds.” |
| -
A wonders if “the old man would put 2 and 2 together and come up with
an odd number: ohmygod, my son’s a faggot. Why else would he be at a
gym meet where a notorious homosexual was one of the competitors?” |
| -“..some moron a**hole hollered, Oh Honey! and a lot of people laughed.” |
| -“..crowd
started booing.. at E... first jeers and catcalls rained down on him..
Coke cup.. wrappers and popcorn.. half-empty can of soda.. hit E in the
chest.. another can.. crowd had started to yell now..” |
| -“Oh, Jesus..” |
| -“E
and [his brother] stood in the center.. [of a crowd of guys].. Pastor P
told me what they do to fruits like you in the Marines.. you’re a
faggot.. I’m also you brother E said. Not anymore... No faggot is going
to be my brother... OK, E said.. started to turn away.. Oh, no you
don’t, faggot [his brother] snarled.. crowd closed tightly.. make sure
everybody knows you’re a faggot.. We’re gonna cut all your pretty
faggot hair off.. pulled a pair of scissors out of his jacket.. biggest
guys.. grabbed E’s arms.. hair caught in the scissors was ripped out of
his scalp and the bald patch that was left quickly filled up with
blood... [E’s] elbow caught [his brother] in the nose.. blood began
gushing.. Now your really gonna get it, faggot he said and hit E in the
face... hit him again.. c’mon faggot.. E refused to hit back.. hands at
his sides.. shower of blows raining on him... thud, thud, thud.. [girl
tries to get A to stop them, but he is afraid] If I try to stop them,
they’ll know I'm a faggot, too, and then they’ll kill me... E went down
and feet replaced the fists... [girl] threw her body on top of E’s...
[E’s brother] kicked her in the side.. S**t.. BC said. she’s a girl.. I
don’t care [E’s brother] said... started to aim another kick at her.
But BC pulled him away. You're a faggot.. [E’s brother] screamed at
him.. [BC] pushed him away and said God... you’re nuts. Well, f**k you.
..E.. lying unconscious on the ground, which was turning red around him
with his blood.. everyone.. started to walk away.. just [E’s brother]
standing there, looking at his bloody hands.. down at his unconscious
brother.. all your f**kin’ fault.... Jesus Christ.. policeman said,
looking at E’s bloody and battered body.. We prayed for him in church.
We prayed for [his brother] too. He tried to kill himself. But he
failed. And they sent him away. To some home someplace.. The rest of
the kids got away with it. The police and the school officials called
it mass hysteria.. E wouldn’t press charges.” |
| -
A doesn’t want to go to see E in the hospital: “..afraid people will
find out I’m a homosexual. too.” But A eventually goes to see E and
asks him to “Take me with you.. when you go.. I’m serious.. I love
you.. [E tells him] you are too young. Too young to know your heart
yet.. have this conversation again in 3 or 4 years.” After E goes away
he writes A and tells him “I love you” |
| -“..real ba**ard.” |
| -
A’s college professor invites him to Thanksgiving dinner but the
professor’s assistant pleads with him: “Don’t go to his place... Come
home with me instead... what does that make me, a piece of s**t?” A is
very nervous about the dinner with the professor but buys flowers and
goes. “S**t!” A doesn’t eat much and professor asks him what he is
hungry for. “It’s love I’m hungry for - starving for - and I think..
[the professor] is, too. ..he comes around the table.. stands close to
me, I get up and gladly melt into his arms and turn my face to be
kissed... [professor’s] reaction when I put my arms around him was not
exactly what I expected. WHAT THE H*LL!... what the h*ll do you think
you’re doing?.. I thought you were going to kiss me. I was just going
to pour you some more wine, you idiot. Christ! He sounded disgusted and
pulled away from me.. This is how you repay my hospitality? he hissed,
making some cheap faggoty pass at me? What in h*ll could you have been
thinking of? How could I ever tell him that I had been thinking that
perhaps he might love me?... want you to leave.. Brazen little
b***ard.... I am NOT a homosexual.. And for Christ’s sake.. if the
police should stop you on the way home, don’t tell them where you’ve
been. drunken slut... my heart keeps blubbering; no one will love me
now.. F**k love! my mind snarls.” |
| -“By
the time I was a senior in high school, the old man was drinking too
had to keep a job... Most days when I got home from.. school, [my mom]
was still at work and the old man was already passed out.. would..
watch.. his red face, his scar... angry-at-the-world scowl. How rich in
rage he was.” |
| -“the
old man had been fired from a nothing, part-time janitor’s job for
drinking at work - gee, what a surprise - and was taking it out on
Mother and me.. Christ, the old man shouted..” |
| -
A is now tutoring BC who was the boy who used to beat him up and was
the boy who his dad made him fight when he kicked him in the butt. BC
is now the quarterback and popular kid and needs to pass classes to
play. He tells A he is sorry for fighting with him: “I’ve thought about
it a lot. Things were lousy at home.. needed somebody.. to take it out
on.. I‘m sorry.. [A shouts] Well, maybe you should have been sorry 6
years ago. It’s too f**king easy for you to just say you’re sorry
now... [I’m] out of here.. You’re too f**king stupid for me to help,
anyway... [A thinks] Oh, Jesus, I sound just like my old man. I started
to cry. And BC lunged at me. I cringed.. thinking he was going to hit
me and I’d have 2 black eyes full of tears. But he didn’t hit me. He
kissed me. Have you ever been surprised by a kiss? Really surprised?..
His lips hit mine so hard, it was like he was punching me with his
mouth.. I lost my balance and fell down... Oh, Jesus [BC said], are you
okay?.. I’m sorry he said.... don’t know what happened. I just had to
do it... It’s ok I mumbled.. hadn’t felt like this since E left town 3
years before.” |
| -“[A
and BC] found an abandoned house.. met there after school, spending
long afternoons of sweet urgency, lingering each time.. careful to
never go to the house together... I love you [BC] said.. I love you, he
repeated.” |
| -“..No one knows but us. This is our secret. Our secret, special life.” |
| -“[BC]
grabbed me and pulled me close. Lighten up he said in my ear... When I
was with him in our abandoned house, I felt complete.. why did we have
to keep such happiness a secret? Why should we be afraid to tell anyone
or everyone? Because people thought it was wrong for 2 boys to be in
love with each other? Or because one person, the old man, would think
it was wrong? Queer. That was a s**t reason.” |
| -“F**k!
he’d shout, I’m outta here.. he’d storm back and grab me and our bodies
would take over and supply their own urgent answers.” |
| -“Oh,
s**t... before I opened my eyes I knew what happened.. Oh, s**t.. It’s
morning. we’ve been here [in the house] all night... I gotta go... [mom
and dad] were in the kitchen.. So, the old man said, did she give you
your graduation present?.. look.. of complicity.. was it that girl? my
mother asked.. was it that girl.. So there it was: my out. My easy out.
Just a little betrayal of BC. And myself. And what we were together.
Yeah, sure, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, she gave me my present all right
- all night long. The gift that keeps on giving. Haha... I could be a
hero to [my old man]. My son is normal. He spent the night with a
girl... It wasn’t a girl, I said.. it was a boy. I spent the night with
a boy. I’m gay... just spoken the truth.... simple words of one
syllable.. the truth shall make me free... His features contorted..
thought he might explode... Jesus Christ, a faggot, my son’s a f**kin’
faggot, oh, Jesus, get out, get out of my house an’ never come back,
never... could see [my mom’s] lips move.. he doesn’t know, he doesn’t
understand, it looked like she was praying... he was sputtering now..
Jesus, faggot, out.. I smiled a little smile because it sounded like he
was performing an exorcism.. I didn’t look back. Not once..” |
| -
A goes back to the abandoned house and finds BC still there: “that was
quick he said... what’s wrong.. I told them I was gay.. what did they
say?.. I remembered the words and spoke them: Jesus, faggot, out... I
started to laugh.. it was screams.. I couldn’t stop them.. he pulled me
down on the floor and made soothing noises.. he rocked me, back and
forth as if I were a baby and said it’s ok, it’s ok over and over...
Jesus, what’s he done to you.. I fell asleep.. A door slams and I wake
up... BC.. He’s so excited, so proud.. he grins at me through his split
lip.. eye.. starting to swell shut.. I know what he’s done.. he fights
pretty good, your old man.. I think he likes to fight. But I don’t
think he liked it when I kicked his butt.. He laughs.. cut on the cheek
beneath the eye. He’ll have a scar there, I think.. I look at BC and
I’m sorry that this is the way I’ll have to remember him, because I
love him so much.. we’re too different, he and I.. I walk out of the
room.. [his] voice follows me, hey, A, where y’going?.. Come back, A.
But I can’t and when I get outside, I start to run.” |
| -
A tells the professor’s assistant about the Thanksgiving dinner; “He
laughs so hard he has to bend over and hold his knees.. Oh, honey [he]
howls, I’m sorry.. but I’m trying to imagine what [the professors] face
looked like when you puckered up.. I remember how infatuated I have
been with Professor H and how painful and humiliating his rejection has
been.. [the assistant tells him] I’m the one who’s in love with you!..
I’m in love with you.. I have been ever since I saw you smile in class
that day... I remember pastor P raving about homosexuals waking up and
finding themselves in hell and I begin to think I’ve woken up to find
myself in heaven.. Love. I can’t believe it.. Hello, love, he says
smiling softly at me... he reaches out and pulls me gently toward him..
I rest my head on his shoulder.. Welcome home [he] whispers, and we
smile.. together.” |
| From www.pabbis.com |
